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Dear Tony,
I haven't written in here forever. Why the hell do you keep checking it?
- Stacy | |
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Oh how I wish it was last Friday this time. I was nowhere near this place; and was pretending to live in a cute little house with dark blue walls instead of off-white ones. It was lovely. I was able to sleep in a bed that was bigger than I am (unlike my current one which my feet like to hang off of), I watched cable tv, and I breathed in clean air. Wonderful.
For only having a 2.5 day vacation, it was very difficult for me to adjust to reality this week. I've been really slack all week with work. (And everything else.) Hopefully I'll get back into the hang of things next week, but who knows. I think I'm just burned out. I'm ready to be out of here and even though words cannot properly express how stressed out I'm going to be about readjusting back home...I'm ready. READY READY READY. Cause, obviously, I haven't said that enough the past few weeks. (Er, months.)
Luckily, today is going by fairly quickly. I forgot to bring my lunch with me, so I may end up leaving to go get something at some point. Even if it is only to the gas station down the road. Which I hate. Mostly because there's always creepy men in there. And it's so quiet. The whole place is just weird and awkward-like. Jeebies.
I have enormous amounts of mail to catch up on. And then enormous amounts of other stuff to catch up on after that. Looovely. Maybe I'll work a few extra hours next week. If so, I'll definitely be bringing sweatpants & tshirts to change into though. It's hard to bend over and move around in jeans that you outgrew about six months ago. Ugh.
Four hours and 50 minutes until the weekend! Hooray. - location:the office.
- mood:anticipating the weekend.
- music:gwen stefani.
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Yay, my new phone is currently on the Fed Ex truck. I should get it before 3:00. My current phone has sucked since the day I spent way too much money on it. (My good one broke and since I didn't have insurance I couldn't get another one...therefore forcing me to buy a refurbished phone. Lesson learned, don't get drunk and drop your phone from a hammock. Apparently it'll break the damn thing.)
I've done absolutely nothing this week besides work and take a trip to Target yesterday to buy the new Miranda Lambert cd. SO good. Which doesn't surprise me. I loved her first one too. Reminds me of times. Times I shall not speak of. Anymore. (No matter how much I miss them.)
Monday and Tuesday were not fun. I felt like someone had literally drained the life out of me. Yesterday and today (so far, at least) seem to be going a little better. I'm trying my very best to not worry myself to death over every little thing. It's kind of working.
Kind of.
At least it's Thursday and that means tomorrow's Friday. Which means I can go home for a couple days. (Even though it's supposed to rain and I won't be able to go to the baseball game I was looking forward to.)
Horoscope. (Cause it fits.)
Overview: It's time to look within. Examine your occasional tendency toward negativity or cynicism. Is there a part of you that's overcompensating for a deep-rooted fear? Open yourself to healing. Let yourself move on.
i should be movin on
how far would i get
with this sad song ringin in my head
i just really miss you
right now i kind of want to
the closest that you'll ever be to me
is free... - location:work.
- mood:okay.
- music:the radio.
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Gah, I hate bill collectors. Not MY bill collectors, but the bill collectors for work. All the annoying accounts receivable people who call and call and call...jesus, they annoy the crap out of me. I mean, I get them calling once, but when I say that I'll get back to them when the check goes out...they need to let me DO that instead of calling back every other day. Sheesh.
My weekend was good. It was fairly relaxing...Sunday was pretty terrible, but now that it's over I suppose it wasn't SO bad.
Some pictures? Sure.
On the way to Williamston.
Miller! My new favorite dog.
Miller's booty.
Tony attempting to make haystacks. Yeah, that didn't work out so well.
And then on Sunday, Tony's car broke down halfway to Hickory. Luckily we were near a rest stop where some nice hispanic men helped Tony put on the serpentine belt that had so wonderfully frayed apart on the interstate. (Well, they put it on after we wandered around Burlington for 30 minutes trying to find an Auto Zone.)
I got bored:
Luckily it was a really pretty day.
Oh, the paleness.
And now we're at Tuesday. The first day of May...every month I'm always shocked that it's already the beginning of another month. I'm just so ready to get these next three months over with. Well, I say that...but honestly, in my head I'm back and forth about whether or not I'm ready. I know this is what I need right now...I don't need another year in this place. It only brings me down...but knowing the things and hopes I'm going to have to just let go of...how I'm going to have to move on to another phase in my life...it's all a little scary.
And don't even get me started on the stress of finding another job (especially one I like as much as this one) and an apartment I can afford...I'm trying really hard not to worry about that this month and just focus on me. Being the worrywart that I am, that's most certainly not an easy task.
Growing up sucks. I'm hoping my thirties go by a little more smoothly than my twenties. - location:work.
- mood:okay.
- music:the radio.
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- location:work.
- mood:sad.
- music:murphy in the morning.
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april currents:
current book:
i'm not in a reading phase as of late.
current music:
a lot of country, some random rock music.
current shame-inducing guilty pleasure:
haha. wouldn't you like to know? actually, most of you probably do.
current colors:
spring-like, bright ones.
current fetish:
my loverly new car.
current drink:
the 44 oz diet mountain dew from sheetz.
current songs:
you find out who your friends are - tracy lawrence, tim mcgraw, kenny chesney
good directions - billy currington
a little more you - little big town
missing you - alison krauss
footloose (no, really)
johnny cash - jason aldean (the song's called johnny cash)
& i really re-fell in love with some cyndi thompson songs after hearing them on cassie's myspace.
current movie:
open season & anchorman. oh & pulse.
current wish-list:
a gym habit.
letting go.
some new work clothes.
current needs:
some milk.
a vacation.
some sleep.
current triumph(s):
instead of a triumph, i had a set back this month. oops.
current bane(s) of my existence:
car salesmen.
judgementalness.
current celebrity crush:
dierks pre-chopping off all the curls a few months back.
current indulgence:
the car, definitely.
current blessing:
family, always.
the warmer weather.
the car.
current slang or saying:
"it's sad." or "it's terrible."
current outfit:
i'm all about the sweatpants now that none of my jeans fit.
current excitement:
i'm still excited about my car.
current mood:
tired, as always. slightly frustrated. - location:my room.
- mood:tired.
- music:american idol.
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she lifts her skirt up to her knees
she walks through the garden rows with her bare feet
laughing, i never learned to count my blessings
i choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
i haven't written in here in forever, i guess i got used to using the myspace blog - which is better if i want more people to read my incoherent rambles, but if i use this, i know that only the people who care enough to click on the link are gonna read it...which is a small amount of folks, more than likely. wow. that was a long sentence.
the cookies in the break room are trying to kill me. i can hear them calling my name from in here.
today marks an occasion. an occasion. and after all this time, i've run out of words to say about it. it probably doesn't really even deserve mention - but now, it's mentioned and i can get on with life. or whatever.
someone mentioned to me today that the everyday ins and outs shouldn't be as hard as i see them to be. i'm sure that's true, i'm sure that's the reason i hole myself up in my room, drowning my thoughts in the television and sleep. i'm sure that the fact that i'm ignoring my problems is the reason my eyes tend to well up when i start to talk about them - only to dry right up at the exact moment i just want them to fall down my face. is that too much to ask? JUST FALL.
i've gone from being this really emotional person who, though she may not know the solutions, can tell you exactly what's wrong with her and why...to not having a clue as to what's wrong. is there really even anything wrong? i don't know. i've dealt with so much shit (mostly internal) that i'm just drained. i don't feel like dealing with it anymore. therefore, i've learned to push it all to the back of my head. and now, i sit here more numb than anything else, wondering what the hell i'm doing with my life. i can't keep on the way i am. ignoring everyone and everything around me just b/c it's easier to be alone.
i'm not sure what the difference is in this year compared to last. last year this time i was active, doing things with people, etc. i don't think i was any happier than i am now...but at least i was putting myself out there. this year - i just feel more alone than anything else. i have one person within 100 miles of me that i can count on. coming from 21 years of having your entire family and group of friends within 10 miles of you...that's a pretty damn scary thing. that's probably eating away at me more than anything else...dealing with everything alone.
i'm trying to sort my feelings out, trying to explain the things (or lack of things) that have been going on lately - but i just don't know how. i wish i had a better idea of what was wrong. i feel crazy sometimes. i go day to day without ever really living. going through the motions. nothing's really changed - but everything going on in my head has.
plain and simple, i'm just frustrated. completely frustrated with myself and my life. and for the first time in a while, i really don't know what i want or need to fix it.
maybe one day though. maybe one day. | |
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you sit there in your heartache
waiting on some beautiful boy
to save you from your old ways.
i'm glad things are returning to normal. i'm also glad that it's almost 3:00 as the 2 hours between 3 & 5 tend to go by fairly quickly. i'm still trying to decide whether or not a trip to walmart for a 12 pack of diet cherry coke & a lunch snack is in order after i get out of here. maybe i'll wait til 7:00 or so & go to target. we shall see.
i've been itching to go out the past few days. maybe b/c fear #1 is not really an issue anymore. or maybe b/c i'm just sick of this anti-social phase. who knows. sure, going to bed at 10:00 is nice as sleep IS my favorite thing [okay, second favorite thing] in the world; but still...i'm getting bored with that.
luckily, tomorrow eve [i almost wrote "adria"...wtf? apparently, i've regressed 3 or so years.] & i are going to ziggy's to see cowboy mouth play. while i'm not looking forward to the standing for 2 hours or the kneeling to the floor during that one song [i really do have the body of an 80 year old]...i am looking forward to getting out of the house for a little while & being a normal 23 year old. [23? still bothers me.]
i would take pictures, but my sister's borrowing my camera. i knew there was some reason that i didn't want to let her use it this week. damnit.
i've decided that i love fall. the coolness in the air when i walk out the door in the mornings reminds me of feelings and situations from the past...and it's oddly comforting. i'm not sure why. it's funny how even when you're going through hell, when you look back on it, you can usually find good in the situation. at least that's how it is for me.
maybe i'm just weird. but when the seasons change...it always makes me nostalgic.
le sigh. | |
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way to make me feel like the most horrible person on the face of the earth. from the very beginning i always let people know my hang ups, my baggage, how i am. which is why most of the time, they end up running. or i just get too fed up with them to deal with it anymore. i don't just mean romantically, i mean relationships in general. but this time, you didn't listen to warning. you heard only what you wanted to hear and you got hurt.
and i take some responsibility. words cannot properly explain how bad i feel for being the one on the causing-end of the heartbreak. i'm so used to being the opposite. and b/c of that, i know how bad it hurts, i know how unfair it is. and i'm sorry. but you knew from the very beginning how things were going to be. over and over again i told you i didn't want a relationship. i wasn't ready to have someone to answer to. and that's the risk you took.
no one understands me or my decisions...my feelings, the reasons i do the things i do. i can't properly understand them so i guess i shouldn't expect anyone else to. i'm not going to change the way i live or the things i do for other people. i'm sorry if that causes people to hurt; i'm sorry if that makes me a terrible, selfish person. it's just the way it has to be.
i'm so stressed out right now. i shouldn't be b/c i laid things on the table from the get go. but i can't just be the cold-hearted person who doesn't care, because i do.
[i hate shania twain. and this god awful radio station. one country station in greensboro and it's terrible. jesus.]
i'm going home this weekend. i really don't want to, but i promised my sister we would hang out and i'm looking forward to that more than i have in a long time. she's one of the very few people that even comes close to understanding me and not being judgemental.
i just want to have fun. talk. laugh. enjoy life. i rarely do that anymore. i work. i sleep. life just got too busy too fast and somewhere i lost myself and a lot of things that i care about.
godwhyamisuchagirl?
i ain't gonna sleep
i don't wanna dream
about the things that i used to need
i ain't gonna cry
or go on living lies
i'm just gonna drive.
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what else can i do?
i said i'm sorry
yeah i'm sorry, but what for?
if i hurt you then i hate myself
don't wanna hate myself
don't wanna hurt you.
--sister hazel
i'm sorry. | |
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andshelaughs's journal
